Christmas Shopping



Christmas is a time of shopping. It is why we have Christmas. Shopping is a very important part of our religion in this country so we made a holiday to do it for. This is a great reason to have a holiday. Some holidays don’t have that great of reasons so we don’t even pay attention to them. Arbor Day is one of them and Canada Day. So is the day after Christmas which hardly anybody knows about.

Christmas shopping is also a way of sticking in the birthday of Jesus which is why congress added him onto Christmas. It was hard to figure out how to be religious with Jesus so instead of trying to invent a whole new holiday for him, which people wouldn’t really pay attention to anyway, we tacked him onto Christmas which was going really good already. This worked out better than most people expected since we got to have those little native scenes with Santa there in the manger too. (You can also put little sale tags on the gold, frankenstein, and more those wise guys bought too.) It all goes together real well.

USAChristmasShopping is also a way to keep our country going. When I am doing shopping for Christmas I think how I’m serving my country too. Every bit of money I spend keeps this country strong and our economy running. The more junk you buy makes you more patriotic. This only works in America though due to the fact that other countries pretty much stole Christmas from this great country so they could pretend to be great countries too. What a a pair of crocks! Christmas and America go hand in hand like Jesus and Santa and Uncle Sam. Which, now that I think about it, Uncle Sam should probably be added to the manger scenes too for truth in advertising. And that would show those other countries that they can’t just up a steal our great idea. Think how stupid it would look if England tried to put King Elizabeth in there or Indiana tried to foist that fat Bubba guy or Hamlish the elephant god. (The Moslems would probably feel kind of cheated since if they tried to put a little plastic Mohammed in there they’d probably have to blow up something to celebrate, which would cut short the shopping season just like that and ruin the whole purpose of Christmas right from the gitmo.) It’s pretty much obvious that Christmas is a totally American holiday so they should get over it.

Anyway, you can see how Christmas shopping is what they call a multidemented activity, meaning it covers a lot of ground instead of just spending money. This makes it so much better than Easter which is pretty much limited to plastic eggs, marshmallow peeks, and going to church. Besides, since Easter is supposedly about the Easter bunny coming back from the dead, it’s more closer to Halloween in theme than anything. Besides, Halloween candy is better than Easter candy by a long shot. Plus you get to dress up in costumes to boot. But even more than that, nobody has figured out how to make a ton of money off of Easter, except for the lame candy which I just talked about. This shows just how un-American Easter is. I’m guessing it was invented by some poor people who couldn’t afford to start Christmas, but no offense to them.

So anyway, this Christmas when you are out shopping for presents because you have to anyway, think about how important shopping is. And since we added Jesus’s birthday to the holiday, shopping is connected to religion too. Buy lots of stuff and feel patriotic and religious at the same time. It’s a good deal all around if you ask me.

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