Easter Totally Explained

It’s Easter this Sunday I’m pretty sure. They usually have it on a Sunday anyway. I think mostly because Sundays are easier to schedule things on like the Superbowl or yard work. If they put Easter on Tuesday or Thursday hardly anybody would show up I bet. Friday could have been a good day for it since everybody looks forward to Friday but Good Friday got scheduled first and snagged it. Besides, you can’t exactly have Good Friday on a different day and call it the same thing and I bet nobody would take Good Monday or Good Wednesday seriously which would be a big drawback for any religion. Maybe Good Saturday could have worked but that would have given Jesus only an overnighter in the tomb which probably isn’t enough time being dead to save more than just a few people.

You can also tell it’s Easter because the pope usually does a big crowd speech in Times Square. He gets all dolled up and comes out on the balcony of his hotel room and gives a special homely. I can’t understand him since I don’t speak French but I guess he’s talking about a religious issue that I wouldn’t interrupt myself normally with except for the fact that it’s Easter and you have to deal with it since it’s already on the calendar. Some other holidays like Labor day and BLT day are pretty easy to ignore and also those Jewish holidays like Yiddish and Kosher that nobody even knows what they’re about. But Easter is different because it’s when Jesus stopped being Jewish and converted to Christianity.

From what I can make of it without actually reading the Bible which I am so not going to do after my last scare with it. Anyway, hysterically in the past Easter started around 200 years ago after Good Friday ended up being pretty much of a bust. Nobody really knew what to do on it. It wasn’t a picnic kind of holiday and Christmas already had the lights and presents. And America hadn’t been invented yet so nobody had thought up fireworks or ESPN. So Good Friday was kind of lame all by itself until later when Jesus tacked on Easter and made it a weekend thing.

Anyway, there it was Good Friday and Jesus and his decibels were at some supper club but they got passed over by the waiter or something. This made Judas really mad who I guess usually paid for everything and so he left in a total huff. The others let him go because they never liked Judas all that much. So Jesus tried to calm everybody down by getting them to drink. Well, this must have worked because they all started singing and nobody got fired.

angry-judgeBut when it got late and they finally left the place they found that somebody had taken their donkey which they had borrowed from some guy. This freaked Jesus out since he was the one whose great idea it was to borrow the donkey in the first place. So he says he’s going to tear the place apart to find it. Well, this was heard by the cops who then arrested Jesus for loitering and took him to the all-night court. And when those guys heard that Jesus was thinking of starting a new religion they voted to kill him right then and there. I guess you can’t blame them for that. Today the judge would probably have just given Jesus 50 hours of community service but that would never have ended up as a holiday so I guess it worked out better the way it did.

But the thing is that Jesus didn’t stay dead. According to this movie I watched (I think it was It’s a Wonderful Life but I’m not sure) Jesus decided not to stay dead like a normal person but he came back to life. The first thing he did was freak out some poor lady who was planting a garden. Then he started popping in and out of other people’s rooms without even knocking. Most likely he was pretty excited not to be dead any more and forgot politeness. But eventually he settled down to make up the ten commandments for this new religion he was inventing. Later he named it Christianity after himself. (Christ was his last name which probably sounded better than Jesusanity or Jesusism. This was a good marketing move I think.)

So what I can’t figure out is why we don’t have chocolate marshmallow Jesuses or peep tombs in the stores instead of all the bunnies and plastic eggs which totally don’t go together if you want to know about it. Maybe it would be unreligious to hide pink and green sugar Jesuses around the house for kids to eat and so they would grow up thinking that Jesus makes people hyper and causes cavities. It just seems unfair that Jesus would go through all the trouble of getting killed and then undead and not at least get his own line of peeps out of the deal. Go figure.

Oh, and here’s this extra thing I did. Click on the picture.



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