What’s so bad about fake?

I don’t know what’s so bad about fake. Except I am against fake books which are a law against nature which I already talked about so I’m not going to do it again except just to bring it up in the interests of full disclaimer. (As a professional I make sure to cover all my basics as they say.) But on the whole of it, I don’t think fake is as bad as people make it out to be.

When I was a kid back in the 60s everybody wanted their stuff to be fake. You wanted everything to be plastic—the old kind with PBS left in it. You wanted plastic dinner plates and plastic furniture. You painted your house fake colors like pink so that it didn’t blend in with nature. You had plastic toys and fakey plastic decorations in your yard. You bought fake Christmas trees make of plastic (or maybe a real Christmas tree that had blue or pink plastic sprayed all over it to make it look fake which they called fracking I think) and you had plastic clothes and your mom had a plastic purse. And there was this store called Woolworth’s which the whole store was dedicated to plastic stuff for cheap. It was the best store ever.

Now days everybody wants real food. The big thing is orgasmic food which still has dirt on it or came from happy cows and chickens. I also talked about this organical issue before which if you want to know I have some issues with, but I’m also not going to talk about that again too except for informant purposes as I said before the first time I didn’t repeat myself. But when I was a kid, you only ate real food if you had to. Only poor people ate real food in those days not like the jabbed up prices they put on it today like it’s some kind of big deal.

Anyway, when I was a kid fake food was the best thing ever. All the good stuff was totally fake. That was why you wanted to eat it in the first place. It was the space guys who came up with most of the cool fake food due to the fact that they had to fit a bunch of food into those little capsules the space guys swallowed. The most famous was the fake powder orange juice called Tang. After it came out hardly anybody wanted real orange juice anymore. It didn’t taste like oranges even one bit which was the best part about it. You just put this grainy powder in a glass of water and stirred it until it turned into whatever drink it was supposed to be. It tasted kind of yucky but you liked the fact that the space guys had to drink it too out of respect for America.

Then there was what they called space sticks which looked like this:

Space sticks looked like dry pieces of cat poop that you brushed the sand off of and they tasted just like cat poop would taste if you ate cat poop which I never have. I ate space sticks mostly due to the fact that the space guys ate them in orbit. They were probably made to be eaten weightless which is why they most likely tasted like cat poop on earth where gravity’s kept.

The other space food idea was TV dinners which was some clumps of fake food put into slots in a tin foil tray thing. The clumps all tasted the same which was kind of like chicken and plastic and a chrome bumper all mixed together. You didn’t really care due to the fact that the rule was that you ate it when you watched TV so you didn’t notice the plastic and bumper taste part. This was what you call adopted from space since they didn’t watch TV up there and most likely they glued the food to the tray so it didn’t float around. Maybe that’s what the plastic taste part was from but I wouldn’t know. You could probably look it up on Wikipedia maybe.

One of my favorite fake foods was Great Shakes. It came in a little pouch with powder in it like this:

But the really cool thing was that you also got a brown plastic shaker cup thing that you put the milk and powder in. Then you had to shake it up and down really hard for a long time to mix it up and get it all frothy so it would taste like a fake milkshake which it was anyway. I think the reason it took so long to shake up was due to the fact that it was when they first invented powdery fake food and they didn’t get the formula right. Also, I don’t think Great Shakes was invented by the space company so it didn’t have all that government money to figure it out. But I didn’t care about that. It was part of the fun that after you shook it for like maybe 15 minutes until your arms hurt, then you got to open the top and all this bubble milk would spill all other the place and you would gulp that fake milkshake down like nobody’s business.

Maybe the most famous fake foods of all from when I was a kid was Fizzies which was another fake drink like Tang except instead of a far Fizzies came in these big pills that you dropped into water. It was so cool. You’d start with plain water and pick out a color of Fizzie you wanted and drop it in the water and watch it fizz which is most likely how it got its name in the first place. They maybe could have called it Mr. Bubble but that was already taken I think. Anyway, it tasted pretty lame, but it was fake which was the point. Those pills were really strong by themselves though. I tried putting one in my mouth but it just about exploded in there. Foam kept running out of my mouth like I had rabies or something and I couldn’t get the blue color off my tongue for like three weeks. I never did that again for sure except I did fool my little sister into eating one once but she threw up all over the floor and my mom made me wipe it up since it was my brilliant idea which is a quote I’m telling you.

So what I’m saying is that fake isn’t a bad as lots of these orgasmic food people make it out to be. There was lots of really cool fake stuff when I was a kid, especially fake food. So I’m not all into the orgasmic food movement due to the fact that there are better things in life than reality and this great blog is proof of it.

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