Abraham Lincoln

I am thinking about all the politicalistic vibrations going on in this great country. It is a deliberate shame that we cannot get along in the same mind as each other. It’s like there is a new civil war out there with the reds against the blues, which is making us black and blue. (Ha! Sometimes I cannot resist making a joke to show that I can have a megaphysical humored mentality about it.)

This brings up Abraham Lincoln, the president who I heard wore a stove pipe on his head when he wanted to dress up. Kind of weird, but maybe that was normal back then. He is thought of as one of the greatest presidents since Ronald Reagan and maybe even later. I suppose it depends on when you pick up the story. But for my purposes let’s just call it even.

Lincoln was kind of ugly which is why he grew a beard. I used to have a beard and these huge glasses and long hair. My mom told me to my face that the more of my face I covered up the better I looked. I’m serious. She really said that. But moms can get away with inflamation of character as everybody knows.

Anyway, after he grew a beard he became president. He beat Mcdonald Douglas in a bunch of debates kind of like we have today except for the fact that they didn’t have Larry Colbert or Saturday Night Live. Instead they just lied at each other in person with the audience right there to not believe them. This kind of lying is better because it is in person instead of TV lying which can be taped so they can get out of town before anybody sees it.

Lincoln was the best liar I guess and won the election. Then he moved in the White House with his “wife.” This is something they play down kind of like Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe. But I read that he decided to marry Todd anyway. He had Todd dress up as a girl due to the fact that they didn’t have sane sex marriage yet. But this just goes to show that even back then not everything was what it seemed just like now.

Once Lincoln got to be president he decided to be great in spite of himself. First he started the civic war so he could bring peace to the country. This is a strategy that we have followed ever since in our foreign insurance policies and we can thank Lincoln for it. Then he decided that black people should not have to work for nothing and invented the minimal wage. This happened when he wrote the Emancipated Proclamation which let all the slaves get real jobs for money. This didn’t apply to Mexicans at first, but most people pay Mexicans in cash now anyway thanks to Lincoln. President Obama should thank Lincoln too for the fact of that Emancipated Proclamation or he would probably have to be the president for free.

Probably the most famous thing Lincoln did was to get assassinated. Back then it wasn’t as easy to do because they didn’t have automatic assault rifles. Supposedly Lincoln decided to get a booth at the Ford theater and that was the problem. Apparently some guy got miffed because Lincoln got the booth he wanted and so he shot him. It sort of worked out for Lincoln though due to the fact that most Americans like our heroes dead.

Anyway, even though Lincoln would most likely rank high in the president department, if he was still alive I bet he wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole, mostly due to the fact that he’d be over 200 years old which would make climbing all those stairs pretty hard.


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