The Dentist

This week I went to the dentist. After which my mouth felt like somebody stuffed a dishrag in it. But that is not the good news. The good news is that I have a bunch of gold in my mouth now. I have a rich mouth. It is shiny and goldy. This makes me feel better than other people’s mouths who have the cheap white stuff they put in there instead of expensive gold like I have. If you have that cheap white stuff don’t come around me to brag about it. I will show you my gold filled mouth which will make you feel pretty cheap. Don’t even try it.

To get that gold in there is not a fun thing I hope you know. They have to first stick your mouth with a long needle filled with deading medicine. You feel a major poke in your mouth but you can’t scream or hit anybody because that would rip that needle right through your gums or whatever they’re sticking that long needle in. You would also look like a wimp anyway. That is a power that dentists have over you. They can stick things in your face and know that you won’t do anything about it because you don’t want to look like a wimp. So there you are with a needle in your mouth and you have to sit there like it’s fun which it is not even close to it.

When you lip starts deading out and your face is like a beach ball they start sticking chunks of cotton in your mouth so you can’t even have your own spit keep your mouth wet. Now your mouth is dry and you have cotton in there and your face is a beach ball. Then they start drilling and hacking and jerking and making really stupid jokes or talk about dumb things which you can’t even tell them to shut up because they have their arms in your mouth and metal things and this sucker tube sucking all your valuable spit out of with.

But my dentist is even more different than that. When he put my gold in there he said it looked good like a baby’s butt. For reals he said that. I can not believe he would look in my gold mouth and think of a baby’s butt. I tell you, if he is weird he should keep those weird thoughts to himself not proclamate it at somebody with his arms in their mouth who can’t even ask him what he is talking about. This is very nagging at me. So once they finished pounding my gold in with a hammer (which they did for reals) I came home with a beach ball head and looked in the mirror. Do you think I was looking at my beautiful gold mouth? You bet I didn’t. I was looking for anything that looked like a baby’s butt in there. I came up with not a thing I’m afraid to say. Nothing in my mouth looks like a baby’s butt even close. And I’ve had the chance to see a baby’s butt or two if you want to know, so I think I’m qualified to speak on this topic.

The point is that I think my dentist has been sniffing that noxious oxide they keep for fun when nobody’s around. He was acting very weird for sure and his baby’s butt comment was the clincher. And I have at least two more appointments with this guy which is getting me to think about it, let me tell you. Maybe even more strange is that he is a hunter too with guns. I am not even going to think about the issue of that.

It took hours to undeaden my mouth which is not that great either. It’s like slowly getting your face back only resistantly. You can think of letting the air out of the beach ball and then you have an idea of it.

So I’ve got gold in my mouth which is going to cost me a ton since gold is a valuable thing to put in a mouth. This money is going to have to come from someplace which I have no idea where. That is the downside of having a rich mouth with gold in it. And the fact that now I’m afraid when I open my mouth other people will think of a baby’s butt too.


4 Responses

  1. I’ve never thought of a baby’s butt when I looked at your mouth. Your feet, now, THOSE look good like a baby’s butt!

  2. They say that gold is a hedge against inflation. So, just remember when things start to inflate, you’ve got a hedge in your mouth.

  3. Hilarious Fred! You know, I have spent over 15 yrs in the Dental industry!!

  4. At least you got a nice grille, even if your dentist was weird for sure!

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